Tuesday, August 31, 2010

I want to nail Michelle Bachmann (by Bob)

I like my women crazy, and they don't come crazier than Minnesota Congresswoman MichelleBachmann. God, I want her so bad. I have spent many a cold winter's eve snuggled up in a blanket woven from the feathers of Bald Eagles, bathed in the soft glow of my monitor watching Michelle Bachmann be a true American. 

I picture it like this... I am at home making dinner. She walks through the door of our cute town home in Georgetown after a long day of protecting America on the floor of Congress. She sets her bag down by the door, her face flush and her hair slightly unkempt from the ride home. She kisses me on the cheek and tells me she misses me while I mix her her favorite drink. I hand her the chilled liter bottle of Mad Dog 20-20 and listen to her tell me about her day. I idly listen, but I cannot keep my eyes off of the Desert Eagle in her thigh holster. She knowingly smirks and props up a long red stiletto heel on the oak table as she continues tell me how she beat NancyPelosi with a sock full of D-Cell batteries.

We sit at the table lit romantically by whale oil lanterns. She feasts veraciously on the raw slab of deer meat killed fresh this morning, picking the sinew out of her teeth with a pearl handled 17thcentury Turkish dagger. I start to clear the table when she comes up behind me and wraps her condor like arms around my waist. "You can finish that later... the last train to Pound Town is leaving the station" she screams in my ear.

We take things into the bedroom which is decorated recreation of the Amistad. She pushes me down onto the pile of horse blankets she sleeps on. "Let me slip into something a little more comfortable." she cackles gleefully. 5 minutes later, she flips down the welder's helmet; the Dutch Clogs erotically pounding in time to my heart. What follows is an evening of grotesque Bacchanalian love making. "TETSUOOOOOOO!!" she screams into a police bullhorn as she grabs onto the antique polio braces.

Sweaty and shaking, we head to the shower to wash off the marmalade and pigs feet.

The Economy sucks.

In the wake of the imminent economic crash, I've been pondering on the best advice to give. Coming from someone who is obsessed with CNBC, I feel that these 3 easy tips can help youweather the Economic Tsunami™ and maintain the suburban lifestyle you have grown accustomed to.

1: Kill the weak children

This may seem like using a chainsaw where a scalpel is needed, but go ahead and get this out of the way first. If you don't have children, skip to tip number 2. If you DO have some, pick out the weakest and "send them on a milk run". And by "send them on a milk run" I of course mean bury them in a shallow grave in an industrial park off the 110. In the olden days (the 1960's) the infant mortality rate was somewhere near 75%. Now, with the advent of medicine and things, weaker children are living longer than ever. When it comes down to it, do you really want someone working the fields with a deadly peanut allergy? Can you feed a family of 4 with Asthma medicine and epi-pens? No... but you can bet your ass you can feed a family of three.
Protip: If you have more than one weak child, pit them against the other. At the end of the day, one is sucking off the great humidifier in the sky, and the other has learned the survival instinct. Also, try using canned foods for side betting with the Argentinians down the block.

2) Start Having Children

This might seem counter intuitive, but in the barren wasteland of a post economic America (see: Allentown, PA) farming and agriculture will be key. And that key will be turned on the backs of cheap labor. History shows that there is labor none cheaper (or delicious) like child labor. Teach your children rudimentary maintenance to cut down on equipment overhead. My personal studies have shown that a large plow can be pulled by 4 toddlers with the right motivation. If you have older children, take the two oldest and send them to your own personal reeducation camp that you've set up in the back yard. After two weeks of indoctrination, they will be ready to go back into the workforce to deliver the "One True Message". Just make sure that one true message includes taking out the damn garbage.
Protip"Stairstep" Your children so that as the older ones die of exposure, you have a constantly refreshed workforce.

3) Guns, Guns, Guns.

This may seem like a no-brainer, but firearms are the most often overlooked element to have in your home. You want to have an advantage in the breadlines. It doesn't matter who your friends on the block USED to be, it matters who they are now. Does Ted have something to offer other than a kickin' rad in ground pool? If not, feel free to use him at your disposal. Don't be inconspicuous with your armament selections either. When you kick down Ted's french doors, you're going to want to make a statement and 9mm isn't going to speak loud enough. You can bet your sweet bippy that Ted's going to be a lot easier going about you "borrowing" his gasoline when he's sucking on the business end of a Benelli M4 Semi-Auto 12 guage.
Raid a pawn and gun store for arms. Use your new workforce as a marauding gang of thieves. After a few months, start offering "protection" to other houses around the neighborhood. You can utilize the Home Owner's Association President's list to get a real lay of the land. Feel free to exact revenge on Carroll (4 time president) for ruining your July 4th party in 2005.
ProtipIn later stages of the economic collapse, up-armor your wife's Saab.

America, F yea?

Well hello there fellow Americana's! Thought Id use this opportunity to introduce myself, I am Michael, or Mike as some of you call me, and I am the other half of America: Plain and Simple. Bob and I came up with the idea for this one night on the phone (while he was still on the road) during one of our many conversations that quickly spewed into non-nonsensical psycho-babble bullshit...or just an everyday conversation between the two of us otherwise. ANY WHO out came this idea....to start jotting down our thoughts on anything going on currently in the US or the world for that matter...and putting a common-sense spin on it. In other words nothing you'd ever see on Fox News or the 700 Club :)

For instance: CSI Miami. This show sucks so much throbbing donkey dangle I cant get through one-effing episode without wanting to punch the nearest defenseless animal square in the face. Bob and I were slaving through an episode just last week and I was dry-heaving while Bob screamed obscenities at the TV. And this passes as one of the more popular shows on television now! I'd rather watch the drift-date scene in Fast and the Frustrated 3 over and over again then to be subjected to that shit every week! (don't quote me on that)

Now, you might be thinking "Hey, wait a second assbag, I happen to like CSI Miami!!!1!LOLBBQ!" Protip: stop being our friend immediately. As a matter of fact how the hell did you slip through my rigorous pre-friend screening? Well, whatever, in any case, this blog isn't for you.

That's all for the moment. Don't get pissy, I'll be back soon enough...just follow the directions on the picture above....that should keep you entertained for a while (or escorted out of the restroom in handcuffs). Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go ponder my life in my minimalist apartment with many expensive scarves on. Ciao.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

All you need to know about Youtube

Ah, YouTube….the first widespread video website to hit the mainstream….what a great advancement for humanity eh? EFFING WRONG. “But why, Master LargeBalls (my self-appointed nickname of the day) would thou say such a thing?” Because I can, and I say so, so I win. Booyaa. “But, oh Lord MassiveScrote, I know not the ways of this YouTube, whatever shall I do?” First, drop the shit old English, and follow along as I shall lay out thy numbered points to guide you in the ways of YOUTUBE….

1. Within a few minutes of following a link to YouTube, you will find someone you hate with a rabid, burning passion. There are no exceptions to this rule. Proof, you ask? HERE, HERE, and of course, HERE.

2. YouTube is SERIOUS BUSINESS ON THE INTERNETS. This fact comes in the form of video blogging (usually linked to some 15 year olds’ bedazzled MySpace page) and Video Responses. The latter I will return to in this blog. Hold your dicks.

3. If you happen to catch something on TV that you shouldn’t normally see, like say Janet Jackson’s titty flopping out at the Super Bowl (shutter), local news station broadcasting foul language live (awesome), WB inexplicably cuts to porn in the middle of Seventh Heaven (finally) etc….run, and I do mean RUN to your computer to look up said clip, because within 30 seconds of said nastiness:

a. Someone has uploaded the foulness to YouTube, and

b. Within 45 seconds of that, YouTube has it removed due to “copyright infringement”

4. Do not bother reading ANY of the comments below the videos. Why, you ask? Because I have listed every typical jackass response here:

“I want the last 5 minutes of my life back”



“9/11 TRUTH OMG BUSH DIDIT!!!!1!!!”

“N----R” (immediate comment if video contains an African American (lovely eh?))


“Please, learn to fucking spell. Thank You.”


“LAWL PAUSE AT 0:27!!”



hahahahaha(insert punchline of video here)lololololololomglololololol1

“COME TO (insert town/city/state/municipality/trailer park) AND SAY THAT SHIT TO MY FACE!”

Now that’s out of the way, lets return to the matter of Video responses. These are videos posted “in response” to a video ALREADY posted. Sound retarded? THAT’S BECAUSE IT IS. For instance:

I go to look up, say, a video of a C5 Galaxy (large military plane) on PooTube and find a video right off the bat. ONLY IT’S A VIDEO SOME JACKASS POSTED UP OF HIM FLYING A C5 ON FLIGHT EFFING SIMULATOR X. Yup, it was a video response to an actual C5 video. Neat. Hey, dumbass, next time upload a video response of you flying a cyanide pill right into your pie hangar. FAIL.

Bored and want to see video footage of the latest celebrity to OD or go broke? I’m sure it’s on YouTube, along with a thousand response videos of 15 year old girls professing their undying love to coke-mule-of-the-year Lindsey Lohan. Hey, xXBuTterFlyKisSesXx, , there’s no way in hell Tits McGee is gonna ever see that video over the massive pile of Colombian Bam Bam on the bed of a Ritz-Carlton so stick to watching “The Hills” and preparing for your inevitable trip to Maury Povich to inform us of the father. FAIL.

And last but not least, the drama queen/camwhores. If you don’t know this person on YouTube, consider yourself lucky. This is the person (usually a World of Warcraft addict or 16-year old teenage girl with bitchy, nasal voice) who uploads a video of them rambling about ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. And it usually ends in crying or some other LULZY behavior. This cannot be properly explained. It must be shown. (see rule 1 in my YouTube guide on what type of person this is) F.A.I.L. with a capital middle finger.

So, in closing, if you find yourself wondering “should I post a video of me up?”…..the answer is and always should be a RESOUNDING HELL NO. It is a trick to make you dumber as a human being! Beware! Run like a mofo! Instead, look up videos of World of Warcraft and post comments about why/how Halo is a FAR superior game. Then sit back and watch as the LOLing in sues. Don't ever say I didn't provide the means for fun! Lebowski out.

My new blog!

Hi, my name is Michael (Mister Lebowski). I had another blog, that wasn't doing so hot, so Ill be transferring all my posts onto this one. It was a blog I co-authored with a good friend of mine, Bob. Just wanted to put that out there on the off chance that the one person who read my old blog cries foul.

Some of the posts will seem outdated, but maybe you'll enjoy them anyway.