Saturday, August 28, 2010
All you need to know about Youtube
Ah, YouTube….the first widespread video website to hit the mainstream….what a great advancement for humanity eh? EFFING WRONG. “But why, Master LargeBalls (my self-appointed nickname of the day) would thou say such a thing?” Because I can, and I say so, so I win. Booyaa. “But, oh Lord MassiveScrote, I know not the ways of this YouTube, whatever shall I do?” First, drop the shit old English, and follow along as I shall lay out thy numbered points to guide you in the ways of YOUTUBE….
1. Within a few minutes of following a link to YouTube, you will find someone you hate with a rabid, burning passion. There are no exceptions to this rule. Proof, you ask? HERE, HERE, and of course, HERE.
2. YouTube is SERIOUS BUSINESS ON THE INTERNETS. This fact comes in the form of video blogging (usually linked to some 15 year olds’ bedazzled MySpace page) and Video Responses. The latter I will return to in this blog. Hold your dicks.
3. If you happen to catch something on TV that you shouldn’t normally see, like say Janet Jackson’s titty flopping out at the Super Bowl (shutter), local news station broadcasting foul language live (awesome), WB inexplicably cuts to porn in the middle of Seventh Heaven (finally) etc….run, and I do mean RUN to your computer to look up said clip, because within 30 seconds of said nastiness:
a. Someone has uploaded the foulness to YouTube, and
b. Within 45 seconds of that, YouTube has it removed due to “copyright infringement”
4. Do not bother reading ANY of the comments below the videos. Why, you ask? Because I have listed every typical jackass response here:
“I want the last 5 minutes of my life back”
“FIND HAWT GIRLS AT CAMAZON DOT COM!”
“OMG THAT IS SOOO WRONG”
“9/11 TRUTH OMG BUSH DIDIT!!!!1!!!”
“N----R” (immediate comment if video contains an African American (lovely eh?))
“Please, learn to fucking spell. Thank You.”
“OMG RICK ROLL'D XD”
“LAWL PAUSE AT 0:27!!”
hahahahaha(insert punchline of video here)lololololololomglololololol1
“COME TO (insert town/city/state/municipality/trailer park) AND SAY THAT SHIT TO MY FACE!”
Now that’s out of the way, lets return to the matter of Video responses. These are videos posted “in response” to a video ALREADY posted. Sound retarded? THAT’S BECAUSE IT IS. For instance:
I go to look up, say, a video of a C5 Galaxy (large military plane) on PooTube and find a video right off the bat. ONLY IT’S A VIDEO SOME JACKASS POSTED UP OF HIM FLYING A C5 ON FLIGHT EFFING SIMULATOR X. Yup, it was a video response to an actual C5 video. Neat. Hey, dumbass, next time upload a video response of you flying a cyanide pill right into your pie hangar. FAIL.
Bored and want to see video footage of the latest celebrity to OD or go broke? I’m sure it’s on YouTube, along with a thousand response videos of 15 year old girls professing their undying love to coke-mule-of-the-year Lindsey Lohan. Hey, xXBuTterFlyKisSesXx, , there’s no way in hell Tits McGee is gonna ever see that video over the massive pile of Colombian Bam Bam on the bed of a Ritz-Carlton so stick to watching “The Hills” and preparing for your inevitable trip to Maury Povich to inform us of the father. FAIL.
And last but not least, the drama queen/camwhores. If you don’t know this person on YouTube, consider yourself lucky. This is the person (usually a World of Warcraft addict or 16-year old teenage girl with bitchy, nasal voice) who uploads a video of them rambling about ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. And it usually ends in crying or some other LULZY behavior. This cannot be properly explained. It must be shown. (see rule 1 in my YouTube guide on what type of person this is) F.A.I.L. with a capital middle finger.
So, in closing, if you find yourself wondering “should I post a video of me up?”…..the answer is and always should be a RESOUNDING HELL NO. It is a trick to make you dumber as a human being! Beware! Run like a mofo! Instead, look up videos of World of Warcraft and post comments about why/how Halo is a FAR superior game. Then sit back and watch as the LOLing in sues. Don't ever say I didn't provide the means for fun! Lebowski out.